Relocation and Mental Health: Lessons from a Major Life Transition

Three years ago, I made the move from East Sussex to Somerset after reflecting on my lifestyle needs throughout the pandemic - I wanted more space, less bustle and to be closer to family. This transition taught me more than I ever anticipated and took much longer to feel like home than I expected. Reflecting on this experience, I’d like to share some thoughts. If you're going through a big change or any sort of transition, you might resonate with some key ideas here. I'll discuss my personal journey and weave in some therapeutic theories that have been incredibly helpful along the way.

Unexpected Grief

When you gain something positive, like a new job, a new partner, or a new living situation, it’s easy to assume the experience will be entirely positive, so it can come as a shock when a more complex array of emotions surfaces. What about the old colleagues you're leaving behind? The reduced time with friends because of a new partner? Or, in my case, what life was I leaving behind?

After the initial excitement and adrenaline of the move, something hit me that I didn’t expect - Grief. How could I be sad when I chose this positive change? 

The truth is, that it’s because I loved my life before, I didn’t move because I hated the life I built, I was just ready for something new, what it came down to was that I just hadn’t faced the consequences of what I would have to let go of, in order to embrace the new, at all. What about all my friends I was leaving? My memories? My connections? My well-known routes? The history woven into my life there? I was faced with a messy part of myself and my decision, I had moved, I had made a choice, and these were the consequences.

I had to make sense of all of this, and began reading a book I had sought out to support me called ‘Transitions, Making Sense of Life’s Changes’  by William Bridges. Bridges talked a lot about how all transitions begin with an ending, about having to let go of the old, to welcome the new, and how this can often be a delayed letting go after we have externally made the transition in the outside world. The book also helped me to reflect on my own relationship with endings throughout my life, which was a great help. I was able to realise that A) I hadn’t emotionally left my old life, and B) I hadn’t connected to my new one yet either, and so I was in a sort of emotional and social no-man's land, and that it was all a natural process of one of life's big transitions. 

Psychological Strokes

Psychotherapist Eric Berne coined the term "psychological strokes" to describe something called ‘units of recognition’. These ‘units of recognition’ can be positive (e.g. a smile, a message, an invitation, a pat on the back) or negative (e.g. an eye roll, a dig on social media, being shouted at). These strokes validate our existence. Primarily, most of us seek positive strokes, but in their absence, we might look for negative ones, and this is because the main thing we don’t want is a stroke deficit - which means no recognition at all. 

Before my move, my life was full of positive psychological strokes, not only from close relationships but also from familiar faces in coffee shops, colleagues, and friends in my community. My quota for being recognized, especially in a positive way, was overflowing. Then, boom - new town, new streets, new coffee shops. Suddenly, there was this very foreign feeling of invisibility, I was now an outsider, a window watcher of close friends embracing, aching for my past self.

Making Bids for Social Connection

Making bids for social connection when you're in a connection deficit is hard. There you are, feeling disconnected, lonely, twiddling your thumbs at home, and you ask yourself—how am I going to make friends as a self-employed person past 30? I did what I know best,  I worked on it a lot in my therapy, I listened to podcasts, I read books, I found a way to feel less alone, and you know what? All of those things really helped me to feel hopeful that this was just temporary. However, underneath it all my vulnerability was feeding my scared inner child, what if I wasn't going to make any new friends? How would I survive knowing how much I value connection? 

There is something so vulnerable about asking for someone's number or going to an event, knowing inside you desperately want, and need, more connection. The risk is high because when someone rejects you, you may not have the mental health first-aid kit not to be left with more wounds.

I turned a lot to Brené Brown (a leading author on topics such as shame and vulnerability), and I lent into this vulnerability I found. I would be honest with myself and the people around me; that I was lonely, and I was in the market for new friendships, and whilst it was hard, looking back I think this was key to making the incredibly rich and nurturing bonds I did eventually make.

Loneliness and Its Impact on Mental Health

On some level, I didn’t think loneliness would hit me because I wasn’t moving somewhere completely unknown, and I wasn’t moving alone. I was moving to a place not far from where I grew up, and I had some connections nearby. But the lack of community on my doorstep really hit me, in ways that didn’t always make sense. On top of this, it put more pressure on the relationships I did have because my needs were no longer met by a large number of people but only by a small handful. I could feel myself becoming more needy, more clingy, desperate to feel like my roots were growing deeper.

Looking back, this experience solidified the importance of relationships and community in maintaining good mental well-being. Studies have consistently shown that strong social connections are crucial for mental health. 

Things that helped me that might help you too if any of my experience resonates:

• Find a therapist who can support you, someone you feel you can trust and be authentic with. This means there is a dedicated space to offload, to work on the feelings that are coming up and gently make plans for how you can improve your situation. 

• Keep connected to those who are in your life - even if it's just a weekly phone call.

• Tell your friends or family you're having a difficult time - loneliness can be associated with feelings of shame, which tend to make us hide away. This can further lead to feelings of hopelessness and depression, which may make it harder for you to make new connections.

• Where possible, make time for low-risk, connection-rich opportunities e.g. making time for those good quality relationships; going on a trip together, making quality time, planning an event and inviting people you know can make it. Fill up your connection bucket where you can - this will fuel you for when you have the opportunity to make new friends!

• Make an intentional effort to welcome people who are even newer than you, you never know how much they might need it.

• Look for opportunities to connect to your hobbies or find out more about what you like doing. When you make this the priority, it can take the pressure off AND if you make friends who have similar interests to you, this is a huge bonus!

Rational Emotive Behaviour Therapy - What’s it all about?

So first things first, you’ve probably heard of Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT), perhaps you’ve even had it yourself, so let me start by saying that REBT is a type of CBT.

What that means in its most simple form, is that it is both a Cognitive and Behavioural Therapy model - Eg. It is concerned with working on both your thoughts (Cognitions) and what you do (Behaviours).

What separates this type of CBT from the most commonly used model of CBT, is that it incorporates a focus on emotions and beliefs, rather than a sole focus on thought challenging and behavioural exercises.

Now I won’t go deeply into my learnings, but I thought I’d share a few useful pieces that can get you thinking….

One of the most simple and effective things that REBT does, is that it clearly states that certain negative emotions are healthy, important and part of being human. This model of therapy focuses on helping clients move from Unhealthy Negative Emotions, to Healthy Negative Emotions. The model divides negative emotions into two counter parts:

Healthy Negative Emotions

Unhealthy Negative Emotions

And you might be wondering what the difference is, so here’s a little more detail below:

Healthy Negative Emotions:

• Are transient, temporary and moving

• Produce self-helping behaviours either immediately or after a short time period

• Are considered an appropriate response to the adversity faced

Unhealthy Negative Emotions:

• Are unmoving, stuck, more permanent

• Produce self-sabotaging behaviours

• Are considered an inappropriate response to the adversity faced

It can be helpful to remind ourselves that when we face adversity it is often appropriate to feel some negative emotions about those things. And if we have the courage to welcome Healthy Negative Emotions into our experience, for some, it can be a relief to let go of the resistance towards them.

It’s only when those negative feelings fall into the category of Unhealthy Negative Emotions (inappropriate and unhelpful responses) to the adversity, that begin to deep route and hold us back from moving forward, that we need to take action and seek help.

Although this idea of healthy and unhealthy negative emotions isn’t a new concept to me, I like that I can share it with clients in this way. Sharing tools that help my clients improve their psychological wellbeing will always be a part of my mission.

How might thinking of some negative emotions as being healthy and normal change things for you? What if you were to go a step further and even welcome them? What would the acceptance of healthy negative emotions allow you to let go of? Perhaps it’s the constant pursuit of positive emotions, or worries that you ‘shouldn’t’ ever feel negatively, whatever it is, I hope reading this is in some way helpful.

The Not So Secret Secret To Feeling Better For Free…

What if I told you there was a new supplement on the market that could improve mood and physical health, lower stress and increase emotional resilience without any negative side effects, and on top of this it was available now and it was free of charge - would you be interested? I certainly would!

Ok, so what if I told you it's not actually a supplement, it’s something much less novel, but still as effective; walking. Yes, walking can improve mood, lower stress, and increase emotional resilience, as well as the obvious physical health benefits. The impact of introducing daily walks in green spaces could be the thing that changes everything for some people, it certainly had a huge impact on me. 

Now I know we all know exercise is good for us, and I know this might not be anything you haven't heard before so why is it so many of us find it so hard to implement on a long term scale?

Maybe we want the advice to be new, different or more exciting in some way - the idea of walking as a way to improve our wellbeing might just seem too.. well… simple. Or it could be that although walking is free, there is a cost, and that cost comes in a form we can feel scarcity around: Time. Whether it’s working through your lunch break, picking up the kids, sorting our life admin, or any other of life's responsibilities these things seem to take precedent. 

However I want to remind you of the incredible benefits of walking which might help get you out walking, even just for just 10 minutes a day.

• Your body is designed to move, your muscles are designed to be used. Our ancestors used movement as the primary way to gather food, discover new land and find shelter, it is what is natural to us. Walking is a gentle way to loosen up in a low impact, low risk way, especially for anyone experiencing muscle tightness or chronic pain.

• When walking in green spaces or parks we are reunited with our natural habitat, we hear sounds that are innately soothing and see things that biologically signify survival. 

• Going outside and getting moving allows you to focus on the outer world which moves you away from rumination and mental stress cycles.

• When we observe nature around us, especially when using techniques from mindfulness, this lets our body know we are safe and therefore it calms and grounds us by activating our parasympathetic nervous system.

• Nature is full of healing metaphors that can help us move through our problems. For example: signs of new life, transformation, growth, life cycles, seasons, change.

• It promotes the production of endorphins, dopamine, serotonin and oxytocin - our happy and healthy hormones.

• Getting your vitamin D - Increasing your skin's exposure to daylight allows your body to naturally produce vitamin d in its purest form. Nearly ⅔ of our energy comes from sunlight.

One of the things I noticed about my own commitment to walking more was the lasting benefits that accumulated over time, so as well as the instant boost either during or at the end of the walk, it was once I had build up a routine that the more rewarding benefit came through - an overall increase in a feeling of calm, connectedness, improved sleep and emotional resilience and reduction in physical pain. 

Each of us has to find our own preferences when it comes to walking; so test things out, see if you like walking with a friend or alone, what routes feel most enjoyable, what times feel suitable or beneficial to you. 

My advice would be to try not to wait for motivation to strike before you step out the door. If you are feeling low, perhaps allow yourself to go on a walk with whatever feeling is present and encourage yourself to just commit to a short walk, because once you're out doing it, this is when motivation can grow.

Why not give it a go and see if you can start getting out a little more in those daylight hours - start with little and often to build up your confidence, and who knows, this could be the thing that changes everything.

Increasing Your Connection to Hope

I’ve been on the cusp of something recently, a change in something foundational and deep within myself, a knowing that something needs adjustment. Not so much due to a change of circumstance in my outer life, but rather something more to do with my inner life. It is a need to reconnect to something powerful & profound… something called hope. 

Hopefulness is to believe that things might turn out better than you think, to have optimism, a feeling of trusting in the future, a sense of feeling good about what is to come. And I don’t know about you, but I have found that to be a little more tricky lately, what with political, environmental and social crises being woven into every area of life. 

I wonder if you, too, have felt a bit more disconnected from a feeling of hopefulness? Perhaps only realising it now as you read this, or maybe you’re already making efforts to improve feelings of hope, optimism and a general feeling that things can get better. Throughout my work as a hypnotherapist I have become so much more aware of the constant trickle of hypnosis that surrounds all of us in our day-to-day lives. Everyday hypnosis is best understood as subtle messaging or suggestion that you consume without conscious awareness - these messages then get filtered down into beliefs and meanings that get stored in the subconscious mind.

When we think about the idea of being disconnected from hope, I think it's really important to think about this constant trickle. What happens when we are surrounded by news, conversations, radio shows and general media about crisis, death, poverty, political uncertainty? 

Because our subconscious beliefs are, by nature, outside of our awareness, they often go unchallenged, and can tend to be oversimplified and very black & white, and because their primary role is to protect us and ensure our survival, they would rather overestimate the threat, than under. (For more on this, look up the negative bias)

Some examples of what these subconscious or deeper beliefs might be are:

• Everything is ruined

• Bad things are ahead

• I am not safe, the world is not safe

• Things are only going to get worse

These might then go on to manifest as a feeling of fatigue, pessimism, low mood, anxiety or even a sense of dread or depression. Sounds like it’s worth being aware of, right?

One of the major benefits of reconnecting to hope is the way in which it improves our wellbeing right here, right now. When we find a way to imagine a better future and to feel more optimistic, we are much more likely to take actions that increase the likelihood of that good thing, or other good things, happening. The thing about hope is - we don't need to know ‘how’ things are going to be better, or ‘how’ things are going to change, we are just allowing ourselves to be open to the idea that it’s possible.

There are a number of ways you can increase your connection to hope, and I encourage you to think about what this looks like for you. For me, it has been mainly about two things; firstly, limiting my consumption of things that decrease a feeling of hopefulness in a way that by no means ignores or minimises such things but helps me gather the necessary strength to have a positive impact, and secondly, expanding things that increase my feelings of hopefulness and that actively help me to shift my thinking habits for the better.

What this looked like for me:

Things I am limiting my consumption of:

• Mainstream media such as news, radio shows and newspapers

• Post-apocalyptic films/ Disaster films/ Nature programs about impacts of climate crisis

• Social media

Things I am increasing my consumption of:

• Listening to full albums or uplifting playlists 

• Reading novels about hope, travel, culture

• Speaking to older generations about things they have overcome

• Being mindful about my use of language - E.g, We haven't solved that problem ‘yet’

• Listening to my own Tailor Made Hypnosis Audio which is about hope, possibility and a brighter future

Other Ideas might be:

• The use of a gratitude journal or gratitude focused meditation

• Increasing your consumption of positive news, or stories of hope

• Starting an abundance practice; this might come in the form of a journal, a prayer, or ritual.

• Increasing your connection to others & your local community

• Positive affirmation work to install helpful beliefs

• Working with a hypnotherapist, coach or counsellor to help you uncover what unhelpful subconscious beliefs you might be carrying around

The truth is you are adaptable, we are adaptable, more than we realise. There are undoubtedly dark clouds, but there are also rays of light. I encourage you to seek out examples of our innate resilience; whether that's the hollow tree that still grows, the person who stays optimistic in the face of adversity or even your former self, who carries on despite the wounds of the past. Take it upon yourself to call in hope, increase your consumption of things that allow you to connect to your own innate strength and optimism, and make it your mission to find evidence that supports beliefs that give you the necessary courage to live a life of hopefulness.

You can’t change the past, or can you? Part 2: Early Adulthood

So what about those experiences which happen beyond childhood & adolescence? Can they be changed and why might you want to explore them in therapy later down the line? Well let me start by acknowledging that the earliest years of adulthood are often very formative and can have a huge impact on how we go on to see ourselves and the world around us. 

Some things that typically might happen, or that we might expect to happen, during this chapter could be: 

• Stepping into autonomy; moving out, moving away, paying rent & bills.

• Improving emotional stability and emotional independence from caregivers

• Choosing a career path or going to university

• Getting your first full-time job

• Finding your new place in the world and forming new social groups. 

• Getting into long-term adult relationships/ Marriage

• Childbirth/ Raising Children

As you can see, early adulthood can be filled with so much expectation in such a short period of time. For some people they look back at this chapter of life with happy memories, perhaps remembering the excitement and thrill of so much freedom and choice, and for others this might not be the case. It might be that as you read that list, it already brings up some emotion. Sometimes the release into early adulthood doesn’t go how you might expect.

Perhaps you found yourself with personal challenges like:

• Unemployment or lack of opportunities

• Financial difficulties

• Identity conflict and confusion over what choices to make

• Unexpectedly entering parenthood

• Having a physical or mental illness that impacted your social life, education and/or ability to work

• Family conflict, parental separation, illness or bereavement   

• Loss of connection and increase in loneliness due to things like friendship structures changing, moving away from support networks, heartbreak

Throughout this age period it is likely that you were still very much under the influence of some subconscious beliefs installed in your childhood, some of which may have been helpful, others unhelpful - this is partly why this chapter can still feel like such a whirlwind, a blur between childhood and adulthood.

You may find that revisiting the memories from this time evokes emotions which couldn't be processed at the time, or bring to light new realisations or perspectives, or you may find misunderstandings and unhelpful identifications that perhaps still have an impact on you today.

Some things to think over if you want to do some self-discovery into your experience of early adulthood and how this chapter may have shaped you?

• Was the transition from adolescence to adulthood gradual or abrupt?

• What was going on for you in each area of your life? (work, finances, relationships, health, passions)

• What did you believe to be true at the time that you no longer believe now?

• What decisions did you make then that you regret, but could now bring more understanding towards?

• What unhelpful beliefs were compounded by the experiences you had?

• What are you still holding onto from this time that still affects you day-to-day?

The reason why it can be useful to ask these questions is that the meanings we give when we look back at our past has an impact on what we believe about ourselves and how we experience the present and the expectations we make about the future.

At this time your self-awareness would have been limited, and you were likely trying the very best you could despite the multitude of challenges and changes around you. I wonder how you can look back with kindness towards your younger self. There might be something you can see from a different perspective, something you can let go of or something you might allow yourself to forgive.

If you have the courage to turn towards this chapter later in life either by yourself or with a therapist, you might be surprised at what you find and what you can transform.

You can’t change the past, or can you? Part 1: Childhood & Adolescence

Occasionally I will have a client come to me and say, “I don't want to talk about the past because you can't change it”. And I wonder how many people might feel this way, and what has brought them to the point of believing this. Perhaps the fear of opening up stories from childhood or adolescence? Or a thinking that this results in many years of therapy with little result? Or maybe just a personal philosophy? There could be many reasons.

Although it's undeniable that you cannot change the facts of what has passed, there still might be something helpful you can do. It would seem odd not to examine, utilise or acknowledge any of this wealth of information as it has a huge impact on how we experience the present and predict the future.

I would argue that even if you can’t change the facts of the past, you can change how you interpret it, even if it's just by 1%. And sometimes that 1% can make all the difference. 

Changing our interpretation of the past, and thus ‘changing the past’ might look like:

• Finding out new information from external sources e.g. news, a diary, a confession.

• Finding out new information via our own internal experience, e.g. becoming a parent, facing a challenge, having a change of circumstances.

• Finding a new perspective, challenging your interpretation or seeing something in a new way in therapy.

In some cases our present day problems are rooted in our deepest beliefs about ourselves and the world around us, which have often been created early in life. When we establish a belief about something in childhood, it can go on to compound that belief by making certain interpretations, assumptions and expectations that support the original belief. 

For example, if someone is having trouble in their relationships they can use tools to change and challenge the conscious present day experiences, such as looking at their thoughts, feelings and behaviours, all of which can make a huge difference - but often there is something more that has to shift alongside this in order to encourage a longer-lasting change. 

Say in therapy this person uncovers a deep belief that they are ‘unlovable’, they can try to make changes day-to-day but may be left with a feeling that something more is at play. This can be a result of some unconscious beliefs, or ‘limiting beliefs’ that have been created in our earlier years, at a time when our understanding of life and its complexities is much more limited. And without revisiting the past, the reasons these beliefs were created in the first place often stays out of our awareness, laid to the subconscious; unexamined, unchanging because they are unchallenged by our present day knowledge.

By utilising material from the past you could find that this person's belief about being ‘unlovable’ was created at a time when their father was working away from home a lot, perhaps working late nights and coming home tired and grumpy, which was interpreted into a belief that ‘because dad doesn't like coming home it means dad doesn't love me and therefore no one will love me’. When this memory is utilised in the present day the person can see it with present day awareness, perhaps uncovering assumptions that now seem irrational or unhelpful. Perhaps giving them the opportunity to ask ‘Is this true? How do I know it is true? What evidence do I have? What could I be missing? Is there more to this story?’.

Whilst it would be a long and arduous task to cover all our past experiences, I would argue that some things really are worth going back to with the right intentions. 

So even though you can’t change the facts of the past, (and it is important to honour your experience), I wonder how we might all use snippets of it to make positive changes for the future. Who knows what you might re-interpret, come to understand or question that could really change things on a deeper level. 

The therapeutic process is a great container for this, so if something you’ve been thinking about this is your reminder to get things in motion.

In Part 2 I will be exploring revising the more recent past, from early adulthood onwards. If you have any thoughts you would like to share with me I would love to hear from you. Head either via my Instagram @CharlotteFeldforth_Therapy or simply drop me a line via email.