Relocation and Mental Health: Lessons from a Major Life Transition
Three years ago, I made the move from East Sussex to Somerset after reflecting on my lifestyle needs throughout the pandemic - I wanted more space, less bustle and to be closer to family. This transition taught me more than I ever anticipated and took much longer to feel like home than I expected. Reflecting on this experience, I’d like to share some thoughts. If you're going through a big change or any sort of transition, you might resonate with some key ideas here. I'll discuss my personal journey and weave in some therapeutic theories that have been incredibly helpful along the way.
Unexpected Grief
When you gain something positive, like a new job, a new partner, or a new living situation, it’s easy to assume the experience will be entirely positive, so it can come as a shock when a more complex array of emotions surfaces. What about the old colleagues you're leaving behind? The reduced time with friends because of a new partner? Or, in my case, what life was I leaving behind?
After the initial excitement and adrenaline of the move, something hit me that I didn’t expect - Grief. How could I be sad when I chose this positive change?
The truth is, that it’s because I loved my life before, I didn’t move because I hated the life I built, I was just ready for something new, what it came down to was that I just hadn’t faced the consequences of what I would have to let go of, in order to embrace the new, at all. What about all my friends I was leaving? My memories? My connections? My well-known routes? The history woven into my life there? I was faced with a messy part of myself and my decision, I had moved, I had made a choice, and these were the consequences.
I had to make sense of all of this, and began reading a book I had sought out to support me called ‘Transitions, Making Sense of Life’s Changes’ by William Bridges. Bridges talked a lot about how all transitions begin with an ending, about having to let go of the old, to welcome the new, and how this can often be a delayed letting go after we have externally made the transition in the outside world. The book also helped me to reflect on my own relationship with endings throughout my life, which was a great help. I was able to realise that A) I hadn’t emotionally left my old life, and B) I hadn’t connected to my new one yet either, and so I was in a sort of emotional and social no-man's land, and that it was all a natural process of one of life's big transitions.
Psychological Strokes
Psychotherapist Eric Berne coined the term "psychological strokes" to describe something called ‘units of recognition’. These ‘units of recognition’ can be positive (e.g. a smile, a message, an invitation, a pat on the back) or negative (e.g. an eye roll, a dig on social media, being shouted at). These strokes validate our existence. Primarily, most of us seek positive strokes, but in their absence, we might look for negative ones, and this is because the main thing we don’t want is a stroke deficit - which means no recognition at all.
Before my move, my life was full of positive psychological strokes, not only from close relationships but also from familiar faces in coffee shops, colleagues, and friends in my community. My quota for being recognized, especially in a positive way, was overflowing. Then, boom - new town, new streets, new coffee shops. Suddenly, there was this very foreign feeling of invisibility, I was now an outsider, a window watcher of close friends embracing, aching for my past self.
Making Bids for Social Connection
Making bids for social connection when you're in a connection deficit is hard. There you are, feeling disconnected, lonely, twiddling your thumbs at home, and you ask yourself—how am I going to make friends as a self-employed person past 30? I did what I know best, I worked on it a lot in my therapy, I listened to podcasts, I read books, I found a way to feel less alone, and you know what? All of those things really helped me to feel hopeful that this was just temporary. However, underneath it all my vulnerability was feeding my scared inner child, what if I wasn't going to make any new friends? How would I survive knowing how much I value connection?
There is something so vulnerable about asking for someone's number or going to an event, knowing inside you desperately want, and need, more connection. The risk is high because when someone rejects you, you may not have the mental health first-aid kit not to be left with more wounds.
I turned a lot to Brené Brown (a leading author on topics such as shame and vulnerability), and I lent into this vulnerability I found. I would be honest with myself and the people around me; that I was lonely, and I was in the market for new friendships, and whilst it was hard, looking back I think this was key to making the incredibly rich and nurturing bonds I did eventually make.
Loneliness and Its Impact on Mental Health
On some level, I didn’t think loneliness would hit me because I wasn’t moving somewhere completely unknown, and I wasn’t moving alone. I was moving to a place not far from where I grew up, and I had some connections nearby. But the lack of community on my doorstep really hit me, in ways that didn’t always make sense. On top of this, it put more pressure on the relationships I did have because my needs were no longer met by a large number of people but only by a small handful. I could feel myself becoming more needy, more clingy, desperate to feel like my roots were growing deeper.
Looking back, this experience solidified the importance of relationships and community in maintaining good mental well-being. Studies have consistently shown that strong social connections are crucial for mental health.
Things that helped me that might help you too if any of my experience resonates:
Find a therapist who can support you, someone you feel you can trust and be authentic with. This means there is a dedicated space to offload, to work on the feelings that are coming up and gently make plans for how you can improve your situation.
Keep connected to those who are in your life - even if it's just a weekly phone call.
Tell your friends or family you're having a difficult time - loneliness can be associated with feelings of shame, which tend to make us hide away. This can further lead to feelings of hopelessness and depression, which may make it harder for you to make new connections.
Where possible, make time for low-risk, connection-rich opportunities e.g. making time for those good quality relationships; going on a trip together, making quality time, planning an event and inviting people you know can make it. Fill up your connection bucket where you can - this will fuel you for when you have the opportunity to make new friends!
Make an intentional effort to welcome people who are even newer than you, you never know how much they might need it.
Look for opportunities to connect to your hobbies or find out more about what you like doing. When you make this the priority, it can take the pressure off AND if you make friends who have similar interests to you, this is a huge bonus!