You can’t change the past, or can you? Part 1: Childhood & Adolescence
Occasionally I will have a client come to me and say, “I don't want to talk about the past because you can't change it”. And I wonder how many people might feel this way, and what has brought them to the point of believing this. Perhaps the fear of opening up stories from childhood or adolescence? Or a thinking that this results in many years of therapy with little result? Or maybe just a personal philosophy? There could be many reasons.
Although it's undeniable that you cannot change the facts of what has passed, there still might be something helpful you can do. It would seem odd not to examine, utilise or acknowledge any of this wealth of information as it has a huge impact on how we experience the present and predict the future.
I would argue that even if you can’t change the facts of the past, you can change how you interpret it, even if it's just by 1%. And sometimes that 1% can make all the difference.
Changing our interpretation of the past, and thus ‘changing the past’ might look like:
Finding out new information from external sources e.g. news, a diary, a confession.
Finding out new information via our own internal experience, e.g. becoming a parent, facing a challenge, having a change of circumstances.
Finding a new perspective, challenging your interpretation or seeing something in a new way in therapy.
In some cases our present day problems are rooted in our deepest beliefs about ourselves and the world around us, which have often been created early in life. When we establish a belief about something in childhood, it can go on to compound that belief by making certain interpretations, assumptions and expectations that support the original belief.
For example, if someone is having trouble in their relationships they can use tools to change and challenge the conscious present day experiences, such as looking at their thoughts, feelings and behaviours, all of which can make a huge difference - but often there is something more that has to shift alongside this in order to encourage a longer-lasting change.
Say in therapy this person uncovers a deep belief that they are ‘unlovable’, they can try to make changes day-to-day but may be left with a feeling that something more is at play. This can be a result of some unconscious beliefs, or ‘limiting beliefs’ that have been created in our earlier years, at a time when our understanding of life and its complexities is much more limited. And without revisiting the past, the reasons these beliefs were created in the first place often stays out of our awareness, laid to the subconscious; unexamined, unchanging because they are unchallenged by our present day knowledge.
By utilising material from the past you could find that this person's belief about being ‘unlovable’ was created at a time when their father was working away from home a lot, perhaps working late nights and coming home tired and grumpy, which was interpreted into a belief that ‘because dad doesn't like coming home it means dad doesn't love me and therefore no one will love me’. When this memory is utilised in the present day the person can see it with present day awareness, perhaps uncovering assumptions that now seem irrational or unhelpful. Perhaps giving them the opportunity to ask ‘Is this true? How do I know it is true? What evidence do I have? What could I be missing? Is there more to this story?’.
Whilst it would be a long and arduous task to cover all our past experiences, I would argue that some things really are worth going back to with the right intentions.
So even though you can’t change the facts of the past, (and it is important to honour your experience), I wonder how we might all use snippets of it to make positive changes for the future. Who knows what you might re-interpret, come to understand or question that could really change things on a deeper level.
The therapeutic process is a great container for this, so if something you’ve been thinking about this is your reminder to get things in motion.
In Part 2 I will be exploring revising the more recent past, from early adulthood onwards. If you have any thoughts you would like to share with me I would love to hear from you. Head either via my Instagram @CharlotteFeldforth_Therapy or simply drop me a line via email.